


Cosmo Sex Tip #18: Don't trust sex tips you found on the internet!

by Zenolalia



Series: Kinktober 2019 [3]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Consent Issues, Dubious Consent, Kinktober 2019, Multi, Out of Character, Podfic Welcome, Self-Indulgent, Translation Welcome, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-11-23 01:14:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20883740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zenolalia/pseuds/Zenolalia
Summary: Sora finds a list of rules for "having a successful threesome" on instagum. Kairi narrowly avoids having a stroke. Riku laughs in the corner like the voyeur he is.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ArionWind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArionWind/gifts).

Giving Sora his own phone had been the single greatest mistake made in a long, long line of mistakes.

“I don’t think,” Kairi started, only to be shushed by Sora waving the aesthetically pleasing and absolutely moronic instagum to-do list in her general direction.

“The internet says so!”

She met Riku’s eyes, trying to telepathically express how ridiculous this was. This failed because the only person less internet literate than Sora was Riku. At least Sora _tried_. Riku understood the concept of a camera phone and was otherwise a complete grandpa about everything. What she really needed here was Selphie. Or maybe Axel. Or Pence. Ienzo. _Tron_. 

There were a lot of people who would be better suited to explaining in patient terms that instructions for “how to have a successful threesome” were  _not_ intended for a trio who had been so deeply involved in each other's lives for this long, and who had  _already been having sex for years_ . 

“Not everything you read on the internet,” She tried in earnest. 

“I don’t know, it looked like good advice to me.” Riku cut in.

“I’m going to kill you.”

“You literally can’t catch me, Princess.” How _dare he_ use a _pet name_ at her, when he was sending her to an early grave?  


“I can't catch you _yet_!! Besides, everyone likes me better. I’ll set up a _hunt_!”

“See?” Sora said, “this is why we need to tips! Look, right here, number 4! Drink a glass of alcohol to calm the tensions!” He produced a bottle of clearly off-world rum from somewhere in his voluminous pockets and dropped it on the bedside table. 

Riku burst out laughing. Kairi felt her soul briefly leave her body. “That’s terrible advice! You can’t just  _get someone drunk_ to have sex with them!”

“Aw, it’s not like that, Kairi! You already decided on the sex, the rum is just to make it easier!”

“Yeah, Kairi,” Riku snickered, “it’s just to make it easier.”

“Sora, _you hate rum!_”

“But the instructions--”

“Do you _understand_ how your _dick works_? Riku! Explain to him how his dick works!”

“It’s a very serviceable dick,” Riku offered. His grin was shameless and warranted a firm thwack upside the head with Destiny’s Embrace. Tragically, unlike Sora or Ventus, Kairi wasn’t a good enough shot to throw her keyblade and guarantee contact. She drew it anyway, threatening in Riku’s direction. 

“You’re encouraging this!”

“Yes.”

“Yeah! Riku gets it!”

“Oh my--No! He doesn’t! He’s waiting to see how badly this explodes!”

“Nothing’s gonna _explode..._” Sora pouted. Before he could get any bright ideas about firas or flares, Kairi dismissed her keyblade and lunged for his phone. She couldn’t overpower him, but she could _bite_ and he was ‘above’ that kind of thing.   


“Give me that list." 

Sora handed it over too easily. “Yeah, good idea! That way you can tell--”

“Use protect-Sora! This is clearly for picking up a one night stand! Don’t _leave the room_ so your _partner_ doesn’t get insecure? What does that even mean! Avoid penetration, don’t keep in touch with the third_\- _Don’t _leave love bites_?”

Riku laughed again. “Uh oh, I think we have to kick Kairi out, Sora. We’ll get someone else for our scandalous threesome.”

“Oh, that’s number 18, Riku, don’t worry!”

“What.” Kairi scrolled down the list quickly. “Number 18, the third person shouldn’t sleep over? Sora! This is _my room!_”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [SpicyRecipeh's Kinktober 2019 list.](https://mobile.twitter.com/spicyrecipehs/status/1168390597738188801). Day three: voyeurism, exhibitionism, or threesomes. 
> 
> I have too many polyships to parse "threesome" as a kink, so I had to go a different direction. I regret nothing.
> 
> [The list of successful threesome tips is here](https://www.lovepanky.com/sensual-tease/obsession/threesome-tips-things-to-know-before-entering-one), and it's probably fine? I literally don't know how normal people arrange sexual encounters anymore.


	2. Day 7: Alcohol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I guess this is a three-parter now, because why not, kinktober is for self-indulgence and here I fuckin' am. I'm going to have to edit the tags to notify everyone that this is obscenely out of character, too. Why am I this way?

Kairi flopped back onto her bed, eyes buried in the crook of her elbow. Crisis had been averted, narrowly. It was a success, all in all.

Sora had left the rum on her bedside table when he sulked out of her room, thoroughly chastised. There was nothing appealing about it. It was an extremely dirty looking bottle, first of all. Secondly, given its almost definite provenance on a world populated by zombie pirates, it’s probably diseased. Given that the world in question was, by all accounts, about two hundred years behind Kairi’s own, technologically, it was also probably swill. Like, anything that Captain Jack Sparrow was willing to part with on Sora’s behalf wasn’t going to be high quality in the first place, and low quality from a world like that, it was probably somewhere between paint stripper and the off-putting alcoholic tang of apple juice that got left in the back of the fridge too long.

It was also right there, and Kairi, for all that she didn’t want to admit to it, was intrigued.

She had been drunk before. The boys might have been off saving the worlds, but she was still a high school student. And the parties Selphie’s friends threw could be excessive even by the standards of movies and vlogs. She knew plenty of people (Selphie, for one) who had gotten drunk and hooked up at parties.

But Kairi had always been, perhaps excessively, dedicated to Riku and—even before she could remember his name—Sora. She hadn’t ever had sex with anyone but the two of them, let alone done it drunk.

For all that she had told Sora off for even suggesting it, the idea was promising. She had nothing to be ashamed of about herself, her body, her boys. But, she could just skip the sometimes awkward warmup, go directly to the brash, shameless midgame. Do it with her joints loosened by liquor. She wasn’t a graceful drunk, but who needed to be graceful during sex? If anyone needed to do anything complicated or poised, Riku could handle it.

It could be fun.

She edged her arm off her face and studied the bottle again. It continued to look mostly gross.

But, she was always getting pigeonholed into being the respectable one. Selphie was a known partier, and Riku and Sora were both such _boys_. Namine was too anxious to really stop anyone from doing anything once they started fussing. Xion, Axel, and Roxas were all as bad as each other, except multiplied _by_ each other. Plus, there was the whole princess thing. That came with all kinds of expectations. Aqua had tried to teach her to curtsey!

So, that settled it.

She rolled off the bed, snagging the bottle on her way out the door.

“Sora! We’re gonna try your thing after all!”

* * *

Riku had a lot of practice in keeping his expression perfectly blank, no matter the extremity of emotion he was feeling in the moment. He didn’t have to make the smuggest possible smirk when Kairi finally admitted defeat, bringing the rum into the main room of the apartment.

But he really, really wanted to.

“Not one word,” Kairi commanded.

“Oh, I’m not saying anything.”

“Well, good.” She nodded. “Where’s Sora?”

“He went home while someone was pouting about the moral deviance of underage drinking. His mom has been worried about the whole six months to live thing. Doesn’t want him to move in here anymore, that kind of thing.”

Kairi huffed and dropped on top of him on the couch. He noticed the bottle had yet to leave her death grip. “It’s going to be fine.”

“Yeah,” Riku said, though he didn’t believe it at all. Kairi’s optimism wasn’t as resilient as Sora’s own. She needed more support than Sora. “Anyway, what is it we’re trying after all?”

She waved Sora’s bottle of off-worlder rum in the air vaguely. “Drinking before sex. You in?”

“Have you actually tried that stuff, yet?” Riku scoffed, “I like being able to actually speak.”

“It can’t be _that_ bad.”

Riku cocked an eyebrow and waited.

After a long minute, Kairi unlatched the stopper on the bottle and sniffed it daintily. She nearly took out his knees with the flinch. “Oh my god, this is how I die.”

“You don’t actually have to-”

“Nope.” She cut him off, then, slugged the bottle back in a way he would almost call expert. Except, the idea that Kairi had developed an expertise in binge drinking some time between regaining her heart and drawing her keyblade had implications he didn’t want to think about.

So instead he settled for, “that’s impressive.”

By the time she pulled the bottle back and dropped it on the coffee table with an unnerving full-body shudder, it was fully a quarter lighter. “That is the single worst thing I have ever put inside my body.”  She feigned fainting back against him. “When I die, tell Namine she can have my body again.”

“I’m sure she’ll be delighted.”

“We’ve got like 40 minutes before it hits. Whatcha wanna do ‘til then?”

“Kairi, I love you, but you can’t just walk into a room, say, ‘we’re having sex now,’ and drink yourself into the grave. You have to work for it.”

“I absolutely do not.” She sighed, as though revealing some great and tragic truth. “You’re 18 years old. You’d get hard for a wayward grain of sand. The dick doesn’t lie, Riku. Anyway, take me to Sora’s room, we’re gonna do it on his bed to punish him for abandoning me in my hour of need again.”

“Kairi--and I’m saying this as your friend--what the _fuck_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [SpicyRecipeh's Kinktober 2019 list.](https://mobile.twitter.com/spicyrecipehs/status/1168390597738188801). Day seven: Food or alcohol.


End file.
